Believe it or not arranged marriages still
exist! Those who’ve not found Mr Right or Miss Perfect will have to take on the
challenge of an arranged marriage…
Arranged marriages in Asian cultures are as
complex and time-consumingly intricate as applying for university in this day
and age. (For those of you who’ve experienced UCAS, you know what I’m talking
about.) I can’t talk much about other cultures but when it comes to the process
of a typical Bangladeshi arranged marriage, let’s just say it’s rather arduous
to keep track of the vast amount of stages.
Understandable, that every culture has its
own set of traditions, but it’s safe to say that Bangladeshis take it to a
whole new level. So, here you’ll get to find out what a typical Bangladeshi
girl goes through when looking to find Mr Right.
Word
of Mouth
Yes, so its seems the culture hasn’t very
much progressed much since the 16th century (I may be exaggerating a
tad, but then again we’re known for that too), because this is the stage where
the girl’s parents bring her out into society and spread the word that their
daughter is of age and are seeking a suitor. This then gets passed through the
local community and through relatives. I assure you it’s almost as effective as
the Chinese whisper.
Potential
Suitor
Success of stage one takes effect. Woohoo,
someone has come forth – aka Mr Middle Man – who has an acquaintance looking to
get his or her son married. Father of the bride, are you interested?
Initial
Exchange of Details
Provided that the father of the bride has
displayed some interest, Mr Middle Man will then obtain details from the
groom’s family.
Proposal
Vitae
Well you could probably guess what this is.
A marriage resume, inclusive of an elaborate family history (which from some
boastful families will state the occupations of each sibling – like we want to
know!), extensive personal details from exact cm in height to current
occupation and in some awful cases the sumptuous detail of their employment
duties. Hello, I don’t need to know that, just the salary would suffice, thanks!
Finally not to forget the all-important proposal picture, which in popular
cases is probably the most disagreeable picture of that person. (Some families
pride themselves by presenting the all-too-common graduation picture.)
Bride’s
Decision
Aaaaaaaaaaaand another huge dollop of
culture in this step as tradition demands a female member of the family (usually
a sister or sister-in-law) to deliver the enveloped proposal. Is he appealing
enough on paper? Decisions, decisions - no time to be capricious. If it’s a
nay, then the cycles starts again. If it’s a yay, then bride’s details are
passed on to the groom, but not before some seriously posed pictures.
Groom’s
Decision
Should she take his fancy, the outlandish
and labourious process continues.
Background
Check
Sounds pretty gangster, but honestly the
families run a check. And no, not that hi-tech, but once again through the
power of the tongue, it’s established whether the family is good enough to
create relations with. Their reputation and status in Bangladesh is checked as
well as their reputation on British soil. About ten years ago say, families
wouldn’t want to create relations with families from certain areas of
Bangladesh. For example, in my family it was taboo to marry someone from Beani
Bazaar, which would have been considered coming out of our cocoon.
Anyway…
The
Meeting (the direct translation: Seeing the Bride)
Thumbs up from the groom, Mr Middle Man
then discloses the contact details so the fathers settle on a day for the
bride’s initial unveiling. Now, this is supposed to be a small private
gathering with only the immediate family of both the bride and groom – for
Bangladeshis, small is a lost concept, and family means all the cousins,
relatives, and even in some cases extended families.
Oh, did I forget to mention, these things could
be rather costly and remember this is prior to the actual wedding, which in
itself costs an arm and a leg. So, tradition states the groom must take a ring
(in the 21st century nothing short of a diamond ring, even the
oldies can tell the difference now); gift of money with the minimum sum of £100;
along with a generous and lavish amount of Indian sweets known as mishti – the
likes of Rasmalai, Ladoo, Kala Jamun, Chamcham, Gulab Jamun and Jalebi - just to
mention a few. (Extra points for those who buy it from Ambala or Royal.)
Bride’s family serves an array of snacks
and dishes and of course tea – not just an English thing, very much Bangladeshi
popularity as well. Once that’s over with, the groom’s family meets the bride
and eventually leaves the bride and groom and two family members – one from
each – alone to talk and get to know a little more about each other. Not
exactly enough time to decide whether this is the person you want to spend the
rest of your life with and could be compared to a speed-dating session, but ho
hum!
Thinking
Period
Subsequently, the couple is given about a
week or so to mull things over and make a life-changing decision based on the
thirty-minute conversation they shared. Once again, basing this on the fact
that they both concur, we proceed to the following.
Introducing
the Groom
Bride’s father will consult with his
siblings and relatives and those he considers superiors about this potential
suitor for his daughter. They’re purpose in this stage is to go and size up the
groom to judge his worthiness. Approval from these members is necessary prior
to moving on to the bigger more important gatherings.
Once again the ritual of the meeting is
similar to that of the bride’s unveiling. The gift; the money; the sweets oh
and a whole pack of nerves and sweat breakouts from the groom who’s to receive
the onceover from more than thirty people who will possibly be his future
relations. Following the approval of the often-intimidating superiors and
elders, this strenuous routine of finding the groom soon comes to a wrap.
Engagement
Date
Successively, a date is set for the day of
the engagement – known as paanchini – the literal purpose of this day is to
bring sugar and paan to the bride (honestly speaking, to this day I have no
clue why, but I’m sure it’s because the forefathers did this and so must we,
the inescapable binds of traditions). Nowadays, it’s all about presenting
beautifully wrapped gifts, fruits and sweets and of course the bride’s outfit,
which is a necessity for the groom to provide.
The foremost reason for the day is to set the date of the wedding – obviously
decided amongst the elders with no opinions from the two who are to unite.
Thus, this is the challenge one must face
to find the one through an arranged
marriage. I shall not delve further in
to what comes after the engagement, as the wedding itself is another occasion
filled with many events preceding it and following it.
The perspectives in which I’ve portrayed
this process are in some parts rather rudimentary and of course being a
Bangladeshi it’s within my nature to exaggerate. Fortunately, time has reformed
a lot of this. There’s more of a getting-to-know-each other process that was
quite non-existent previously. Where love marriages were once frowned upon, families
– like mine – now want you to ‘go and find someone yourself’. The climate of
arranged marriage has decreased drastically and now parents are surrendering
their duties to the children. Traditions are unraveling but culture remains a
headstrong foundation.
For those who want to know more, feel free to comment or follow to keep posted.
.JPG)
.JPG)
